Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. 2 But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. 8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:1-9 NIV)
I love the interaction in the play and now movie, Fiddler On The Roof, between Tevya and his wife Golda. It goes like this:
Tevya: "Golde, do you love me?"
Golde: "Do I what?"
Tevya: "Do you love me?"
Golde: "The first time that I met you was on our wedding day.
Tevya: "I was scared."
Golde: "I was shy."
Tevya: "I was nervous."
Golde: "So was I."
Tevya: "But my father and my mother said we’d learn to love each other. So I ask you Golda, do you love me?"
Golde: "For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned your house, given you children, milked your cow. After twenty-five years why talk about love right now?"
Tevya: "Do you love me?"
Golde: "For twenty-five years I’ve talked with him, fought with him, starved with him. For twenty-five years my bed is his. If that’s not love, what is?"
Tevya: "So you do love me!"
Golde: "I suppose I do."
Tevya: "I suppose I love you too."
Tevya and Golde: "Doesn’t change a thing. But even after twenty-five years it’s nice to know."
(Adapted from the sermon, The Marriage Counselor, by Steve Zeisler, at http://www.pbc.org/dp/zeisler/4067.html)
It’s hard for us to climb into that kind of mindset because in our country marriages are not arranged for us. But in some cultures that is the way things are done. And before you say, "how horrible" you might consider that our system doesn’t seem much better. In our system, where we can choose our own spouse, our marriages are failing 50% or more of the time.
The plain truth is that in all of our marriages, arranged or not, most of us have to learn to love each other. The intense feelings we have for one another prior to marriage, that we call being in love, are wonderful, but generally not sustainable. They’re too intense. This falling in love has to give way to something called true love. True love is built over time as you get to know the person you married and build a deep and abiding relationship.
Love is a commitment. We must choose to love. We must choose to overlook faults. We must choose to look on the good things instead of the negative things. In every marriage relationship there are negative things about each partner. You may get married and find out you don’t like the way he or she squeezes the toothpaste. That’s a real problem for some people. You know somebody’s a neat freak when they like the toothpaste to be squeezed from the bottom and rolled up. But not everybody does things like you want them done. And you have to choose whether you are going to look at the negative or the positive. Are you going to focus on the things you don’t like or on the things that you appreciate? You have a choice. Love is a choice, a commitment you make.
You see, we all have defects–– blemishes in our lives. You can focus on little things that are blemishes that no one would probably notice if you didn’t point to it. Everyone in a marriage relationship can look at their mate and pick out things that they don’t like. And if they both focus on those things they will soon be in deep trouble. On the other hand, they can choose to look on the good things, the blessings that brought them together, the things they love about their spouse. And if they magnify those things, good things will happen.
Listen, you’re never going to change your spouse anyway, so quit trying. Early in our marriage, I used to pray that my wife would change. I quit doing that for several reasons. One reason was that it didn’t work. But the real reason was that God began to show me that he had given my wife to me in order to change me!
So many people foolishly think that they are the one that is right, the one that doesn’t need to change. And they stubbornly stand their ground. What a stupid thing to do! Marriages break up because people stand on their right to be right. There has to be change on both sides. What I need to do is focus on being changed to be the kind of husband that she needs and she needs to focus on being the kind of wife that I need, because God gave us to each other to compliment one another, to be a companion that will augment the other. Your spouse has some things that you need. You have some things that your spouse needs. Together you’re stronger than you would be if you were alone. That is the beauty of marriage.
Now the church in Corinth was a little confused concerning their idea of marriage and sex. They had bought into a philosophy permeating the society known as Gnosticism. The Gnostic philosophy was that the spirit is good, and if you wanted to be spiritual you needed to cultivate the things of the spirit. The material world, on the other hand, was evil. And the body, being a part of the material world, was also evil. This was a false understanding of the created order.
Of course, it’s easy to see how someone could come to that conclusion, because the desires of our flesh do present a big problem for us as Christians. Many of the things that entice us to sin are sensual in nature. We lust after them. So it’s easy to see how someone could conclude that, we would be better off without these bodies. One resulting error was the idea that since the body is evil and since we’re going to shed it one day, we can do with it what we want. Some used that perverted logic as an excuse for indulging in all kinds of sinful sexual behavior.
A second error that came from this kind of thinking was the idea that we need to deny the body everything. We must live in self-renunciation and self-denial. And some took it so far as to prohibit getting married. If you had married and now had come to the Lord, you should abstain from sexual relations in marriage. This is where the Corinthians were–– some advocating self-indulgence, others self-denial. This was the problem they had written to Paul about, and that Paul was writing to address here.
Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (7:1-5)
Paul is saying here that celibacy is OK. Being single for your entire life is OK. In fact, as he will go on to say, it’s a gift that God gives to some people. The gift of celibacy. The gift of singleness. Nothing wrong with that. But he says that "since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband." In other words, celibacy is OK, if you’ve got the gift, but marriage is great as well. In fact, God created it. He thought it up. Didn’t God say, when He saw Adam in the garden, that it was not good for him to be without a companion?
Of course, you know the story. God came to Adam and said, "Listen Adam, I’ve got this wonderful idea, this fantastic idea I came up with last night. Here’s what it is. I’m going to give you a woman and she is going to be so beautiful that you won’t believe it. She’s going to be so fantastic. Your every wish will be her command. She will do anything you want. If you want her to give you a back rub, she’ll do it anytime day or night. She will cook you breakfast, bring it to you and serve you in bed. Anything you want, she’ll do. She will be the most fantastic thing you’ve ever seen.
Adam said, "That sounds great! What will she cost me?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam responded, "What can I get for a rib?"
Is that the way you remember the account? No? You’re right. That’s not exactly what happened. What happened is that God created this wonderful woman and gave her to Adam. God gave the first bride away in the Garden of Eden. And so God has ordained marriage to meet real needs.
When you enter into the covenant of marriage, part of what you are committing to do is to be faithful to your partner as long as you live. Now what does that imply? Well, in past it implies that you are responsible to fulfill their sexual needs. If you expect your partner to be faithful, then you should recognize that it is your responsibility to fulfill their legitimate sexual needs. This applies to both partners. This is why we have verse 5: "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." Sex within marriage is good, not evil, and we must be there for our mate.
Marriage is mutuality. Somebody has said that it’s a 50/50 proposition. But it’s not. It’s 100% from both. Marriage doesn’t work when it’s 50/50. Marriage works when both partners want to know how they can meet the other’s needs. The only way it’s going to work is if it’s selfless on both sides. When you have 100% commitment on both sides of the equation, then it works.
Women, what if your husband said, "Honey, I’m here for you. I married you, I love you, and I want to be the man of your dreams. I want to be the man that makes you feel wonderful." You’d like that wouldn’t you? And men, would you not like to hear the same kind of thing from your wife? Absolutely! Listen guys, if you’ll start treating your wife like that, she’ll want to be the woman that meets your needs.
Now some of you may be asking, "Well who’s going to start doing this? Who goes first?" For relationships in general, I usually say to whoever asks that question, "You go first!" But when it comes to marriage, Scripture and experience convince me that the man should go first. I don’t want to sound sexist, but I believe this is true because of how God made us.
Women are responders, receivers. God created you that way. Even in the physical dimension of anatomy that’s true. Women are receivers. And if you want your wife to respond, you must begin giving out love. You begin giving out affection and she will respond. I guarantee it. If she doesn’t, there is simply nothing there. When a wife loves her husband, she responds to him as he shows her genuine love and affection. That is why I tell the husband to go first. I also believe it is your Scriptural responsibility as the spiritual leader to do so. Show her the love she needs, and she will respond to you.
When Paul talked about marriage and the family in Ephesians 5, he told both the men and the women to do something specific. What did he tell the men to do? He told them to love their wives. And he told the women to respect their husbands. God was, in his infinite wisdom, telling us what the basic needs of the sexes are. A basic need of every woman is to be loved and cherished. A basic need of every man is to feel respected and honored. God knows how we work, and He wrote a book about it. If you want to know how to live, read the instruction book, and do what it says.
God created you for your mate. It’s no accident that you’re married to the person you married. God put that person in your life to build you up, to bless them and enable you to be the man or woman of God that God desires you to be. You are a necessary part of your mate’s spiritual growth. You need each other.
Will you make a commitment to your spouse today? Will you commit to be the kind of husband or wife to your spouse that God wants you to be? Are you willing to trust God with your spouse? Will you do what is right on your part and trust God to change their heart if they need to change? I believe that if you’ll be obedient to God on your part, God will speak to your mate. Trust him to do that. If you will do that, God will bless your marriage.
I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (7:6-9)
Isn’t this practical stuff? Paul says that it’s great to be celibate if you have the gift. But not everyone has the gift. In fact, few people have that gift. God generally designed people to be together in a marriage relationship for a number of reasons. We need companionship. And we need to propagate the human race. If everybody were celibate, we might feel spiritual for a generation, but then we’d all be gone. God has only given the gift of celibacy to some people. For the rest of us, there is marriage. Marriage is good because God created it. And if you’re created to need a mate, then get married, be blessed, and serve the Lord in that relationship. Whether celibate or married, our goal is to serve the Lord.
So, determine to serve the Lord, whatever your situation in life. Whether married or single, focus on Christ and do what God has called you to do. Whatever your circumstance, He can use you in ministry for His glory. Determine to be the best you, you can be. He will take care of the rest.
Copyright © 2003 J. David Hoke. This data file is the sole property of the copyright holder and may be copied only in its entirety for circulation freely without charge. All copies of this data file must contain the above copyright notice.
Except for the use mentioned above, this data file may not be copied (except for small quotations used with citation of source), edited, revised, copied for resale or incorporated in any commercial publications, recordings, broadcasts, performances, displays or other products offered for sale, or made available on the Internet without the written permission of the copyright holder. Requests for permission should be made in writing and e-mailed to J. David Hoke, at David@JDavidHoke.com.