Marriage is God’s idea. He ordained it. He gave the first bride away. And marriage is still popular today! People do it all the time. And speaking as a father of a soon to be married daughter, marriage planning can get a little complicated. But that’s not the real challenge. Staying married is.
Do you remember your wedding day? As part of your vows, you probably said these words: "To have and to hold from this day forward; for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until we are parted by death." Beautiful words. Words of commitment. But think about them — for better or for worse. While these words are found in most traditional wedding services, unfortunately far too many say them but do not mean them. What they really mean is "for better but not for worse."
Evidence is abundant that this is true. The majority of marriages today end in divorce. If we have not experienced it personally, we know personally someone who has. It’s happening everywhere. It seems that when things get rough, people want out. And they are getting out in increasing numbers.
But this is nothing new. It has been happening since men and women have been getting married. In fact, Jesus was asked what He thought about divorce. And Paul addresses it in out text today.
Over the years the church has generally taken a hard line on divorce in an effort to keep people married. Often, the church simply condemns divorce. It’s far neater that way. The tragedy is that both divorce and those who are divorced are condemned — both the sin and the sinner. Other churches, reacting against that say we must not forget that people are involved, and we need to love them, care for them, minister to them, and accept them no matter what they do. The problem is that neither view is biblically correct.
Perhaps we should not be asking what the church says, but rather what the Bible — God’s Word says. Does God have a word for the tragedy of divorce? Yes, He does. It is a redemptive word for those who have been scarred by divorce; and also a strong word of encouragement for those seeking to build strong Christian marriages. God not only diagnoses the illness, He prescribes the cure.
Before we turn to our text in 1 Corinthians, lets look at a situation Jesus faced. It will help us put marriage and divorce in perspective.
And it came about that when Jesus had finished these words, He departed from Galilee, and came into the region of Judea beyond the Jordan; and great multitudes followed Him, and He healed them there. And some Pharisees came to Him, testing Him, and saying, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause at all?" (Matthew 19:1-2 NASB)
There were two schools of thought in Jesus’ day concerning divorce propagated by two rabbis: Rabbi Shammai and Rabbi Hillel. Rabbi Shammai had taught that divorce was only permissible on the grounds of some sexual impropriety. Rabbi Hillel, on the other hand, had a more liberal view and taught that a man could divorce His wife for any reason. If she burned his breakfast, put too much salt on his food, showed disrespect to him, spoke disrespectfully of her husband’s parents in his presence, spoke to a man on the street, or even let her hair down in public, he could divorce her. The view of Rabbi Hillel was the view that was popular in Jesus’ day. And it was for this reason the religious leaders tested Him. They wanted Him to become unpopular with the people and they knew He would not side with this more liberal view.
But the religious leaders understanding was based on a flawed misinterpretation of a passage in Deuteronomy 24 that they believed commanded divorce. In Matthew 19:7 we read: They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away?"
They thought divorce was commanded, but the real question was on what grounds. Shammai said that it was sexual impropriety. Hillel said it was for any reason. Another rabbi who was of Hillel’s school, Rabbi Akiba, took it to its logical conclusion by saying that a man could divorce his wife when he found another woman who was more beautiful. Such was the climate in Jesus’ day. It is not very much different from the climate in our day, is it?
So we see here the religious leaders testing Jesus, hoping that He would discredit Himself with the people by adopting an unpopular view concerning divorce. I’m sure all ears were opened as the crowd waited to hear His response.
Jesus did respond. He did what He was so adept at doing. He cut right to the heart of the issue.
He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. (Matthew 19:8)
Rather than entering into a debate over the reasons, He told them why Moses wrote the commandment concerning divorce. Jesus said it was for the hardness of heart of the people. People’s hearts had become hard and they were divorcing their wives for any reason. You must remember that the wife never had the authority to divorce her husband. So Moses wrote the law concerning the writing of a bill of divorcement for the protection of the woman. Without such a bill, she had no rights at all. It was because of the mercy of God and the hardness of the human heart that God permitted divorce.
The testimony of the Savior further revealed the divine intention for marriage. Jesus digs deeper and gives these religious leaders a lesson from the very beginning of their Bible.
And He answered and said, "Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh’? "Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." (Matthew 19: 4-6)
Jesus points to God’s original intention in creation. You recall that God made one man and one woman. God didn’t create two men; it wasn’t Adam and Steve. He didn’t create two women; it wasn’t Alice and Eve. Nor did God create any extras in case Adam and Eve didn’t work out; it wasn’t Adam, Eve, and Helen and Steve. It was just Adam and Eve — one man and one woman. That was God’s original intent. And that is still His desire for marriage. Make no mistakes about it — God’s intent is one man married to one woman until they are parted by death.
Because of this, verse 4 indicates that the man should leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and those two shall become one flesh. Verse 6 indicates that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Verse 6 also says that God has joined them together and no man should separate what God has joined. This is the divine intention for marriage.
The religious leaders came to Jesus and tested Him by asking, "What do you think about divorce?" He responded to them by saying, "What do you think about marriage?" And then He revealed to them what God thinks about marriage. God sees marriage as two people becoming one, committed to one another, in a covenant relationship that lasts a lifetime.
But we still have the question: What about divorce? Does the Scripture have anything to say about that? Divorce is real. How do we deal with people who get divorced? Are there any biblical grounds for divorce? All these are questions that need answers. And Jesus goes on to deal with the issue of divorce, and give us answers.
"And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife except for immorality and marries another woman commits adultery." (Matthew 19:9)
Here Jesus gives a ground for divorce. This ground is also found in Matthew 5:32. There is no doubt that this is the authentic teaching of Jesus because none of the ancient manuscripts of Matthew omit this clause. Additionally, adultery in the Old Testament was punishable by death. And while in practice they had gotten away from putting people to death, no one would have disputed that marital unfaithfulness was a just ground for divorce.
So we see that there are biblical exceptions. Jesus gives us one here: marital unfaithfulness. Just as under the original law, adultery punished by death would break the marital bond and release the partner, so marital unfaithfulness by adultery could do the same. But notice here that Jesus never commanded divorce for unfaithfulness, but only permitted it. What Jesus is saying is that if a man divorces his wife for anything less than adultery, he then causes her to commit adultery and commits adultery himself.
Is there anything else the Scripture says on this subject? Yes there is. In 1 Corinthians 7 we find another important passage dealing with divorce and remarriage. Let’s look at 1 Corinthians 7:8-15. Remember that Paul is writing to Christians. The first category he addresses are single people: "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (7:8-9) What he’s saying here is that if you are single and can remain single, do so. But if you have a need to marry, then that is OK too.
Next, he addresses two Christians married to one another: "To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife." (7:10-11) Here we have two Christians married to one another. Paul simply says, "Stay together." There is no reason to leave. If there is no unfaithfulness, stay together.
It should be noted that the Bible nowhere teaches that the wife has an obligation to stay in a home with an abusive man who threatens her physical welfare or the welfare of her children. But if she leaves under those circumstances, she is either to be reconciled unto her husband, or to remain unmarried. There is no biblical reason why two Christians should divorce, although there may be reason to believe that such an abusive husband is not a true Christian.
Finally, Paul addresses a mixed marriage — a Christian who is married to an unbeliever. These mixed marriages could happen in a couple of ways. Two unbelievers could be married, and then later one becomes a Christian. That, I believe is the most common way a mixed marriage happens. The second way is that a believer could marry an unbeliever in direct contradiction to the Scriptures.
The Bible teaches us that we are not to be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. That is the command of God. It is not something put there to make us more miserable. In fact, it is something put there for our own good. God is trying to save us the misery of being locked into a marriage with someone who is fundamentally different from us, whose values are different, whose outlook on life is different, and whose goals are different. Let me encourage you and plead with you — do not be foolish enough to marry an unbeliever. While it is possible for God to do something to save that person, there is no guarantee that it will happen. You may be condemned to a life of misery.
Here Paul addresses mixed marriages and says, "To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace." (vv. 12-15)
The teaching here is quite simple: Paul is well familiar with the teaching of Jesus and he, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, expands the exception from marital unfaithfulness to include desertion by an unbelieving partner. He says, "If you are a believer married to an unbeliever, stay with them. God may save them." He holds out hope for that to happen. In verse 16 he says, "How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?" In other words, he’s saying, "God may do something. Stay with them as long as they desire to stay with you."
But here we have the only other biblical grounds for divorce. When an unbelieving partner leaves a believer, the believer is to let that partner leave. The Scriptures tell us that "a believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances." Here Paul speaks of being released from the bond of marriage by the desertion of an unbelieving partner. What the Scripture is teaching here is that Christians should stay with non-Christians as long as the non-Christian is willing. But if the non-Christian leaves the Christian and divorces him or her, then the Christian is released from that marriage biblically, and is free to remarry.
To sum up, there are only three things that release a marriage partner from a marriage: Number 1 — the death of one marriage partner; number 2 — sexual unfaithfulness by a marriage partner; and number 3 — the desertion and divorce by an unbelieving marriage partner. That is the plain teaching of Scripture.
But while those are the biblical grounds for a divorce, what about those who have divorced outside those grounds? To those, we have to say that what they have done is to sin against God and against their partner. If there is the possibility, they need to go and be reconciled to the one they divorced. If one of them has remarried, then they must simply cast themselves on the mercy of God in repentance and ask for forgiveness. They must call it what it is — sin. There was no reason for it, and there is no excuse. But at the same time, let me hasten to add that the sin of divorce is no different than any other sin. It is not the "unpardonable" sin. And to make it otherwise is to sin an even greater sin, the sin of self-righteous spiritual pride. The sinner who casts himself upon Jesus in sincere repentance will find forgiveness. And we must forgive those whom God forgives. It is sad, but in some churches, you could be forgiven of murder, but not divorce. I want you to know that God can heal and restore divorced persons and can use them in His Kingdom, not as second-class citizens, but in the same way he uses all saved sinners. Nothing is closed to you.
I dare not conclude without sharing a few biblical exhortations to help us divorce-proof our marriages. We’ve already referred to the fact that God’s original intent for marriage was two people joined in a one-flesh union, committed to one another in a covenant relationship for life. If we want to succeed in marriage, we must be willing to obey the Scriptures. In Ephesians 4:22-33, we have further instruction on the covenant relationship of marriage. In that passage, the one-flesh, committed union is emphasized. There, the husband is told to love his wife even as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for her. The wife is told to submit to and support her husband because it is the Lord’s commandment. The key to such a relationship is commitment.
Be committed. Commitment means first, I am committed to God: to be obedient to Him, to follow His word, to put Him first in my life. If a man and a woman are committed to God, they have a foundation for a marriage that will be divorce-proof. But commitment also means that I am committed to my marriage partner. Because I am committed to God, I can then be committed to that person. Because I am committed to God’s word, divorce is not an option. As a matter of fact, I encourage you to put that word out of your vocabulary — never, never, never use it when you are mad and upset and things are not going well. For the believer, it should not be an option — put it out of your vocabulary.
Christians who are committed to God first and committed to one another can survive almost any storm. Some may say, "Well, how can I be committed to someone I don’t love?" Listen, your love does not make you committed; your commitment causes you to love. If you will give yourself to that mate to be for them 100%, to be supportive of them, to be their friend, to look out for their interests, to point them to Jesus, your marriage can work. But it will take work. Only the work of commitment can see you through.
We can divorce-proof our marriages if both partners will live according to God’s original purpose. As we put Jesus first, and as we both move together closer to Him, we will be pulled closer together. And God will give us a wonderful marriage that is founded upon the rock that cannot be moved.
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