Do you remember your wedding day? As part of your vows, you probably said these words: "To have and to hold from this day forward; for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until we are parted by death." Beautiful words. Words of commitment. But think about them -- for better or for worse. While these words are found in most traditional wedding services, unfortunately far too many say them but do not mean them. What they do mean is "for better not for worse."
Evidence is abundant that this is true. The majority of marriages today end in divorce. If we have not experienced it personally, we know personally someone who has. It's happening everywhere. It seems that when things get rough, people want out. And they are getting out in increasing numbers.
What do we say about all of this? What does the church have to say? Well, often the church simply condemns divorce. That's easy enough. The tragedy is many condemn both divorce and those who are divorced - both the sin and the sinner. It's far neater that way. By doing that, we can not only continue to pontificate against divorce from our lofty platform, but we also will not have to get our hands dirty by grappling with real people who have been divorced.
We must be careful when we listen to what the church says. Often, churches are guilty of twisting the Scriptures to accommodate their own particular bias. Generally, they either raise the standard or lower it. On one hand, well-meaning people raise the standard in their desire to stop divorce. So they say there should be no divorce for anybody for any reason, and absolutely no remarriage for anyone at any time, period. That sounds nice and neat, doesn't it? The only problem with it is that while it may be well-intentioned, it is biblically incorrect. On the other hand, there are those well-intentioned people who look at the problem of divorce and say we must not forget that people are involved, and we need to love them, care for them, minister to them, and accept them. The tendency here is to lower the standard to accommodate everybody. While these churches rightly emphasize forgiveness, they end up lowering the standard to the same as that of the world. And that is biblically wrong.
Perhaps we should not be asking what the church says, but rather what the Bible - God's Word says. Does God have a word for the tragedy of divorce? The answer is, yes, He does. And it is a redemptive word for those who have been scarred by divorce; and also a strong word of encouragement for those seeking to build strong Christian marriages. You see, it is God's desire not only to minister to those who have failed in their marriages, but also to give practical instruction to those seeking to divorce-proof their current marriage. God not only diagnoses the illness, He prescribes the cure. We need to hear that word today. And we will as we examine the Scripture. So let's look at God's Word in order to discover the plain, biblical teaching concerning marriage.
And it came about that when Jesus had finished these words, He departed from Galilee, and came into the region of Judea beyond the Jordan; and great multitudes followed Him, and He healed them there. And some Pharisees came to Him, testing Him, and saying, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause at all?" (Matthew 19:1-2)
There were two schools of thought in Jesus' day concerning divorce and they were propagated by two rabbis: Rabbi Hillel and Rabbi Shammai. Rabbi Shammai had taught that divorce was only permissible on the grounds of some sexual impropriety. His was the stricter view. Rabbi Hillel, on the other hand, had a more liberal view and taught that a man could divorce His wife for any reason. If she burned his breakfast, put too much salt on his food, showed disrespect to him, spoke disrespectfully of her husband's parents in his presence, spoke to a man on the street, or even let her hair down in public, he could divorce her. The view of Rabbi Hillel was the view that was popular in Jesus' day. And it was for this reason the religious leaders tested Him. They wanted Him to become unpopular with the people and they knew He would not side with this more liberal view.
But the testing of the religious leaders was flawed by misinterpretation. This entire controversy was based on a passage of Scripture in Deuteronomy 24. The religious leaders construed this as a commandment: They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away?" (v.7)
What is referred to here is what they felt was a commandment to divorce a wife. This passage was misunderstood because it was mistranslated for years. Even in our King James Bible the sense of that mistranslation is perpetuated. Listen to Deuteronomy 24:1 from the King James: "When a man hath taken a wife and married her, and it comes to pass that she find no favor in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her, then let him write her a bill of divorcement and give it in her hand and send her out of his house." The way this reads is that it is a command to divorce a wife when some uncleanness is found in her. Notice it says "then let him write her a bill of divorcement."
The New American Standard Version translates this passage accurately. It reads, "When a man takes a wife and marries her and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house." What is being recounted here is not a command to divorce, but the objective account of one who does divorce. It is not a command to divorce, but a permission to divorce based on some "uncleanness."
Now the real issue was what constituted uncleanness. Shammai said that it was sexual impropriety. Hillel said it was for any reason, such as the ones I have already mentioned. Another rabbi who was of Hillel's school, Rabbi Akiba, took it even farther to its logical conclusion by saying that the "indecency" in her meant that a man could divorce his wife when he found another woman who was more beautiful. Such was the climate in Jesus' day. It is not very much different from the climate in our day.
So we see here the religious leaders testing Jesus, hoping that He would discredit Himself with the people by adopting an unpopular view concerning divorce. I'm sure all ears were opened as the crowd waited to hear His response.
Jesus did respond. We notice here the testimony of the Savior. His testimony remembered the detailed instruction of Moses and reminded the religious leaders of it. They confronted Him with what Moses had said. They referred Him to Deuteronomy 24. Then Jesus did what He was so adept at doing. He cut right to the heart of the issue.
He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. (v.8)
Rather than entering into a debate over what the "indecency" was, He told the religious leaders why Moses wrote the commandment concerning divorce. Jesus said that it was for the hardness of heart of the people. That was the whole reason divorce was permitted at all. People's hearts had become hard and they were divorcing their wives for any reason. You must remember that the wife never had the authority to divorce her husband. So Moses wrote the law concerning the writing of a bill of divorcement for the protection of the woman. Without such a bill, she had no rights at all. It was because of the mercy of God and the hardness of the human heart that this instruction was given. But the rabbis had taken this as some kind of right to divorce a wife for any reason.
The testimony of the Savior further revealed the divine intention for marriage. Jesus digs deeper and gives these religious leaders a lesson from the very beginning of their Bible.
And He answered and said, "Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh'? "Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." (vv. 4-6)
Jesus points to God's original intention back in creation. You recall there that God made one man and one woman. God didn't create two men; it wasn't Adam and Steve. He didn't create two women; it wasn't Alice and Eve. Nor did God create any extras in case Adam and Eve didn't work out; it wasn't Adam, Eve, and Helen and Steve. It was just Adam and Eve - one man and one woman. That was God's original intent. And that is still His desire for marriage. Make no mistakes about it - God's intent is one man married to one woman until they are parted by death.
Because of this, verse 4 indicates that the man should leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and those two shall become one flesh. Verse 6 indicates that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Verse 6 also says that God has joined them together and no man should separate what God has joined. This is the divine intention for marriage.
The religious leaders came to Jesus and tested Him by asking, "What do you think about divorce?" He responded to them by saying, "What do you think about marriage?" And then He revealed to them what God thinks about marriage. God sees marriage as two people becoming one, committed to one another, in a covenant relationship which lasts a lifetime.
But we still have the question: What about divorce? Does the Scripture have anything to say about that? Divorce is real. Divorce happens. Are there any guidelines? Is there any sure word from God? Is the original intention of God all there is in the Bible by which we judge marriage, divorce and remarriage? How do we deal with people who get divorced? Are there any biblical grounds for divorce? All these are questions which need answers. And while Jesus expresses the divine intention for marriage, He does not stop there. He goes on to deal with the issue of divorce.
We need to be clear in the church of Jesus Christ about this issues. Especially in our evangelical circles, there is a tendency to over-react based on our conservative theology and our high view of marriage. But we must be careful to say what the Scriptures say, not to interpret them based on religious tradition or even the rabbis of our day. I challenge you to hold the belief you hold based on a thorough examination of Scripture, not based on what religious tradition says or on what Dr. So-and-so says. I have told you before, I believe in certain conservative positions because of my understanding of the Scriptures, not because I have subscribed to some creed or joined some conservative camp. I know too many preachers who line up behind certain teachers or subscribe to certain schools of thought because it's convenient and easy to do. It's far easier to let someone do your thinking for you than to struggle with the Scriptures as you study them and pray over them to seek God's direction as you attempt to apply them to your life.
"And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife except for immorality and marries another woman commits adultery." (v.9)
Here Jesus gives a ground for divorce. This ground is also found in Matthew 5:32. There is no doubt that this is the authentic teaching of Jesus because none of the ancient manuscripts of Matthew omit this clause. Adultery in the Old Testament was punishable by death initially. No one would have disputed that marital unfaithfulness was a just ground for divorce.
So we see there are biblical exceptions. Jesus gives us one here: marital unfaithfulness. Just as under the original law, adultery punished by death would break the marital bond and release the partner, so marital unfaithfulness by adultery could do the same. But notice here that Jesus never commanded divorce for unfaithfulness, but only permitted it. What Jesus is saying is that if a man divorces his wife for anything less than adultery, he then causes her to commit adultery and commits adultery himself.
Is there anything else the Scripture says on this subject? Yes there is. In 1 Corinthians 7 we find another important passage dealing with divorce and remarriage. Let's look at 1 Corinthians 7:8-15. Remember that Paul is writing to Christians. The first category he addresses are single people: "But I say to the unmarried and to the widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry, for it is better to marry than to burn." (vv. 8-9) What he's saying here is that if you are single and can remain single, do so. But if you have a need to marry, then that is OK too.
Next, he addresses two Christians married to one another: "But to the married I give instructions, not I but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband. But if she does leave, let her remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband; and that the husband should not send his wife away." (vv. 10-11) Here we have two Christians married to one another. Paul simply says, "Stay together." There is no reason to leave. If there is no unfaithfulness, stay together. It is interesting that he does make a provision for a separation. And in fact, the Bible does not anywhere teach that the wife has an obligation to stay in a home with an abusive man who threatens her physical welfare or the welfare of her children. But if she leaves under those circumstances, she is either to be reconciled unto her husband, or to remain unmarried. There is no biblical reason why two Christians should divorce.
Finally, Paul addresses a mixed marriage - a Christian who is married to an unbeliever. These mixed marriages could happen in a couple of ways. Two unbelievers could be married, and then later one becomes a Christian. That, I believe is the most common way a mixed marriage happens. The second way is that a believer could marry an unbeliever in direct contradiction to the Scriptures. The Bible teaches us that we are not to be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. That is the command of God. It is not something put there to make us more miserable. In fact, it is something put there for our own good. God is trying to save us the misery of being locked into a marriage with someone who is fundamentally different from us, whose values are different, whose outlook on life is different, whose goals are different. Let me encourage you and plead with you -- do not be foolish enough to marry an unbeliever. While it is possible for God to do something to save that person, there is no guarantee that it will happen. You may be condemned to a life of misery.
Here Paul addresses mixed marriages and says, "But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever and she consents to live with him, let him not send her away. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband and he consents to live with her, let her not send her husband away. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through the wife and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her husband. For otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. Yet, if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave. The brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace." (vv. 12-15) The teaching here is quite simple: Paul is well familiar with the teaching of Jesus and he, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, expands the exception from marital unfaithfulness to include desertion by an unbelieving partner. He says, "If you are a believer married to an unbeliever, stay with them. God may save them." He holds out hope for that to happen. In verse 16 he says, "For how do you know, oh wife, whether you will save your husband; or how do you know, oh husband, whether you will save your wife?" In other words, he's saying, "God may do something. Stay with them as long as they desire to stay with you." But then verse 15 gives us the only other biblical grounds for divorce. When an unbelieving partner leaves a believer, the believer is to let that partner leave. The Scriptures tell us that "the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases." Bondage to what? Obviously, bondage to the law of marriage. Paul speaks of being "bound by the law of her husband" in Romans. Here he speaks of being released from that bondage by the desertion of an unbelieving partner. What the Scripture is teaching here is that Christians should stay with non-Christians as long as the non-Christian is willing. But if the non-Christian leaves the Christian and divorces him or her, then the Christian is released from that marriage biblically, and is free to remarry.
To sum up, there are only three things that release a marriage partner from a marriage: Number 1 - the death of one marriage partner; number 2 - sexual unfaithfulness by a marriage partner; and number 3 - the desertion and divorce by an unbelieving marriage partner. That is the plain teaching of Scripture.
But while those are the biblical grounds for a divorce, what about those who have divorced outside those grounds? To those, we have to say that what they have done is to sin against God and against their partner. If there is the possibility, they need to go and be reconciled to the one they divorced. If one of them has remarried, then they must simply cast themselves on the mercy of God in repentance and ask for forgiveness. They must call it what it is - sin. There was no reason for it, and there is no excuse. But at the same time, let me hasten to add that the sin of divorce is no different than any other sin. It is not the "unpardonable" sin. And to make it otherwise is to sin an even greater sin, the sin of self-righteous spiritual pride. The sinner who casts himself upon Jesus in sincere repentance will find forgiveness. And we must forgive those whom God forgives. It is sad, but in some churches, you could be forgiven of murder, but not divorce. I want you to know that God can heal and restore divorced persons and can use them in His Kingdom, not as second-class citizens, but in the same way he uses all saved sinners. Nothing is closed to you.
I dare not conclude without sharing a few biblical exhortations to help us divorce-proof our marriages. We've already referred to the fact that God's original intent for marriage was two people joined in a one-flesh union, committed to one another in a covenant relationship for life. In Ephesians 4:22-33, we have further instruction on the covenant relationship of marriage. In that passage, the one-flesh, committed union is emphasized. There, the husband is told to love his wife even as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for her. The wife is told to submit to and support her husband because it is the Lord's commandment. The key to such a relationship is commitment.
Commitment means first, I am committed to God: to be obedient to Him, to follow His word, to put Him first in my life. If a man and a woman are committed to God, they have a foundation for a marriage that will be divorce-proof. But commitment also means that I am committed to my marriage partner. Because I am committed to God, I can then be committed to that person. Because I am committed to God's word, divorce is not an option. As a matter of fact, I encourage you to put that word out of your vocabulary - never, never, never use it when you are mad and upset and things are not going well. For the believer, it should not be an option - put it out of your vocabulary.
Christians who are committed to God first and committed to one another can survive almost any storm. You may say, "Well, how can I be committed to someone I don't love?" Listen, your love does not make you committed; your commitment causes you to love. If you will give yourself to that mate to be for them 100%, to be supportive of them, to be their friend, to look out for their interests, to point them to Jesus, your marriage can work. But it is work. Only commitment can see you through.
We can divorce-proof our marriages if both partners will live according to God's original purpose. As we put Jesus first, and as we both move together closer to Him, we will be pulled closer together. And God will give us a wonderful marriage that is founded upon the rock which cannot be moved.
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